Do I have To?

God, I just really don't want to do this. I realize I have to. But Having done this before, I know what to expect. This only makes it that much more difficult to swallow. Why are we here again? I feel like a small child about to face the world on her own. I keep telling myself there must be a better way. But this is it.

Had a little pampering done today. It did lift my spirits. Still, that cloud is hanging right above my head. Finding joy in small things is not a problem. Losing it at the smallest inconveniences is what is getting to me lately.

I foresee being placed in a straight jacket tomorrow. SO much anxiety. Sitting for hours as they drip poison into your veins is something indescribable. How will I do this? How will I keep my cool and not go awol? Those poor nurses. I am terrified. MY nearly 5 yr old is more likely stable and capable to handle what is coming than I. I feel like a helpless child.

If I can make it through several of these treatments the time it will buy me will be worth it. But its the process that I am not sure I can make it through. And why should we be here again? I am not able on my own. I'm not ready to become dependant on those around me to assume the role of mom and all the other things that I should be responsible for. SO many things in life are just not "fair". There is always someone who who has it worse, but it certainly does not diminish the severity of our struggles. Part of me says, put your big girl britches on and do this thing. While the other part says, no! Run, run as far as you can!

I have not lost my faith. But I feel so disconnected from my beliefs. As if I'm a child being rep remanded. Resisting authority. Knowing I need that correction and discipline in love, still not ready to give in. Praise music still plays constantly and I read scripture. I guess maybe its because you are so close at this point and that's why I cant feel you. I cant hear you, nor see you. "Maybe faith isn't a fire as much as it's a glow. Just enough to get me home".

A Plea for Prayer

I come here tonight because I am desperate. I am fearful and in need of prayers from those who love me, and those who may not know me yet. I have sensed what was coming for a few weeks now, but the reality of the likely hood of what I am facing slapped me right across the face today. I didn't take it to well and things may or may not have been broken and many tears cried.

I have spent more time at my Onc. office in the last month than I care to recall. It all started with some swollen lymph nodes in my neck. As of right now my entire lymphatic system is refusing to work. Malfunctioning at best. I am terribly uncomfortable and in pain and have been for weeks.

 I was scheduled to have a PET done over 3 weeks ago. That was until my insurance denied the request. I had planned a trip to Nashville the week of the 4th. And got the all clear to go from my Dr. This was by far the best week of spiritual restoration & rejuvenation I have ever experienced. I met so many wonderful souls. Too much to condense here. That amazing trip will require a special separate post to come soon:) Upon returning home my symptoms only seemed to progress. I have been to the office twice since the 11th. More blood work was done today and I have a "tentative" appointment next Thursday for the PET.

My Dr. is convinced that this is Cancer invading my lymph nodes. He feels treatment (meaning more chemo) is inevitable and in the VERY near future. But would like to have a scan to see exactly what we are dealing with. And to use as a way to gauge how well treatment works. Now before I go any further, there is a small part of me that says this is not Cancer. I am prepared to go forward with treatment if this beast has indeed decided to rear its nasty head again. But I am holding on to the hope that we are dealing with something less invasive. We have a week before any scans are to be done.

I spent the entire ride home fuming. Angry with God. Just overall pissed off with life's circumstances. If there's one thing I took away from my time in Nashville, is that it's ok to be angry and question God. Communication is key. I have a lot of questions. I have been here too many times to recall. This time I am really angry. It is however a process I have learned. In a few days I will hopefully redirect this anger and bitterness towards gathering strength I may need very soon. I am not superhuman and this is me being as real and as transparent as I possibly can.

I would like to ask everyone to please take this next week and pray with me and for me when I cannot find the words. A lot can happen in 7 days. I have hope that these lymph nodes won't illuminate on that scan. If they do, like I said, I am prepared to face the horrible, debilitating, dehumanizing poison that is Chemo. But there is still time pray this thing out. I know what I will be doing this next week. Please join me in praying with me. I know so many have continuously prayed daily for me. I am so grateful for every single prayer said on my behalf! I love you all and thank you for allowing me the freedom to be completely candid and honest here! I will update as soon as I hear any news!

No Less Days

It has been a while. Maybe too long, since I have been able to come to this place and pour my heart out. Countless Countless times I have come here, but leave with nothing to say. You see, I'm not really a "blogger". I don't just blog to blog. When I write something, it has to come from the heart. It must be genuine and real. If I'm being honest, it's not until now that I have felt the "push" or freedom to write. I guess I should go back to June 27th. The day of my surgery.

I felt peace as that day began. There was literally an army of bodies in the lobby praying. But as we entered the pre-op room and my friends and family began to filter in and out of the room, I began to feel vulnerable. I remember my best friend holding my hand and my sister standing over me with her arms around me. Me weeping like a child. In that moment I had become a terrified little girl. The nurses began coming at me with needles and within moments I was on the operating table, staring up at the stark white ceiling talking about the ocean. The last thing I remember thinking before the lights went out was running on the beach with my girl.

I awoke in agonizing pain. The nerve blocks I was given worked perfectly on the right side. But the left side didn't seem to take at all. The morphine only made things worse. From the moment I awoke until I left the hospital, I was wrecked with pain and horrible nausea and what accompanies nausea.

3 days later I finally made it home. That made all the difference in the world! It wasn't until then that I really began to recover. But in all honesty, the last few months have been tough. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. It wasn't until just recently that I have begun to "bounce" back. I still have not regained the use of my left arm fully. Doing the simplest of tasks is sometimes daunting. It doesn't help that I am a lefty.

Less than a month after surgery and before radiation was to begin, I was blessed with an opportunity to head back to my favorite place. Anna Maria Island. A close friend had an unused time share for a week that she offered to me! I could not turn it down! So me and my girl headed off the the island where mommy was able to rest, relax and recover. On the second day I was playing in the sun with my baby, the last thing I wanted to do was make the dreadful hour long drive from the island to Tampa to meet with my Oncologist. Granted I had already received the PET report the week prior from my Radiologist and was using my week at the beach to celebrate the relief of a good report. But my Onc. still wanted to follow up with me.

The usual hour wait took only 2 minutes before I was called back. As he entered the room he says, you look great! I said, well I feel pretty great, considering. He then proceeds to go over the results with me. After about 5 minutes he literally ran out of words to describe his shock at the lack of Cancer in my body. He fully believed that given the 9 months since finishing treatment and my last scan that he would see illuminated locations everywhere. Plus given the aggressiveness of triple negative it was nothing short of a miracle. He said frankly I just don't see this very often. I don't know what to do with you. You are not the norm. Your Cancer is behaving itself very well! I sat in amazement as I could see the pure joy and genuine excitement he displayed over the fact that what he expected to see, just simply was not there. The spot on my hip had progressed some as we expected due to my pain recently. But other than that there wasn't much to note. He said there was no need for any further treatment at the time other than the planned radiation to my surgical site and my hip. He was very pleased and told me to continue doing whatever it is I had been doing. I told him it was a mixture of a major lifestyle and diet change, but more importantly the thousands if not more prayers that had gone up for me over the last few months! The word lucky was never used. I spent the rest of the week rejoicing.

A couple of weeks later I began radiation which caused unspeakable side effects. My anxiety was at an all time high following my surgery and my appetite didn't return until just a couple of weeks ago. My tiny frame was beginning to look ghostly, sickly and unfamiliar to me when I looked in the mirror.

It was during this time that the spirit of fear crept up on me again. And just like a thief in the night, the peace was gone. Anxiety and depression have hung on my back like an unwanted guest for far too long. Something that has haunted me for a while is the fear of death that comes along with the dreaded C word. In 2009 after my first surgery, my Dr and her scheduling nurse spoke some very harmful and evil words over me. Because I was questioning the treatment options they recommended, I was told that "God is not going to take this from you." Those words hung above me like a dark cloud. Everywhere I went. Everyday for the last 3 yrs. I walked into that appointment alone for the first time without my husband or mother with me that day. I believe Satan used that opportunity to wear me down and attack. I walked out and I never walked back in. But the damage was done. As if being diagnosed wasn't enough, death was spoken over me.

So everyday for the last 3 yrs. I have wondered, Lord is this the last time I will have to opportunity to enjoy this with my daughter, is this the last summer vacation I will get to enjoy with my family? And the list goes on. How much time Lord? That is a heavy burden to carry. It wasn't until recently that it really hit me. Only He knows the hour. For each and every one of us. I have watched too many friends lose loved ones suddenly. I have experienced the loss of my closest friend in an instant. There were no goodbyes. No time to prepare. We have no way of knowing the day or hour of our last breath. Why should I allow myself to buy into the stigma that comes along with the C word? I have come to a revelation recently. I am still here. I am still breathing. Some days are rough. But I still have time left here on this earth. Why should I spend it worrying about how many days or yrs I have left? I shouldn't. And neither should you.

We are given life. We are given a purpose. Sometimes we are given obstacles and hurdles that force us into realizing that purpose. I cannot and will not live my life in fear. I must live it with purpose. The fact that I got Cancer does not change the number of days I was given the day I entered into this world. I have no less days because of it. The Lord knows the hour. The fact that I got Cancer doesn't change a thing. It sure has helped me see life in a different light. But it doesn't change a thing for Him for His plan for my life. His plan has always been the same for my life. It just took a few bumps for ME to see myself the way he sees me and to find the course he has set for me. There are things I will never understand this side of eternity. But what I can do is use every breath to praise him and bring glory to Him. I am not perfect. I mess up daily. I have to begin again each day. But that is the beauty of the cross. There are NEW mercies every day! And it's by grace that I am still able to enjoy this life.

God's music is a huge part of my everyday life. It gets me through the day and He uses it to speak to me constantly. In some of my darkest moments, it was singing out to Him that I found peace. This song sums up the past few months pretty well for me.


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Carried To The Table

I have been here before. This feeling is all too familiar. This roller coaster of emotions, I know it well. And frankly it is exhausting. You would be hard pressed to get me on any roller coaster at any theme park. I hate the uncertainty of the drops and turns, twists and that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, you know the one. Then theres that feeling of unsteadiness as you exit the ride, yeah I hate that too. So ironic how the events of my life resemble that thing that I am so good at avoiding.

One thing we know about Cancer, it sucks. This much has been established. I absolutely despise it.  It has surely taken me for one heck of a ride the last 3 yrs. It make take parts of me and is a huge inconvenience. But it will not steal my joy. I will not become a victim. Yes I have cried, screamed, asked why and begged for mercy. But the fact is, I am here. I am still breathing. And there must be a reason why. If God can take this mess and use it for His glory. Then who am I to complain? I can either shut down emotionally or I can pull myself together and suck it up. As terrified as I am about what lies ahead, I just have to remind myself to put one foot in front of the other and trust that on the days when I just can't make it happen, that He will carry me.

I met with my new Surgeon this past Thursday. Which in itself was a complete miracle and act of God. I was immediately put at ease by his ability to make me feel like one of his own grandchildren. He is about the most "Human" Dr. I have met yet. I am no doubt right where God wants me to be. I am scheduled for a double mastectomy tomorrow at 1.  The nerves, anxiety and unrest that accompany a procedure like this are overwhelming to say the least. I have been to some pretty low points recently. My heart is breaking and the road ahead is unclear. I am a little angry. I am a little bitter. I am ALOT scared. BUT still somehow that peace remains. He has carried me this far and He has promised me He will never let go.

I just want to say a HUGE thank you for all of the phone calls, txt messages, emails, and comments from friends and family! I do not walk this road alone. You all have no idea how much you lift me up. My heart overflows with love for you all!


I will do my very best to update when I am able. Thank you again! I want to share with you a song that has played over and over on my phone, computer and in my head the last few days. It is pretty special. Good night everyone.

I Call Mercy

I have struggled with how to begin this post for many nights now.

Up until about 6 weeks ago, I was doing really well. I still feel pretty good for the most part.
I have spent more time than I would have liked in Dr. offices the last week and will be spending plenty more I'm sure in the next few weeks.

Without going into too much detail, it seems that this nasty little devourer has decided to invade my left breast now as well. It happened rather quickly. I have been in quite a bit of pain the last few weeks, which can be exhausting. I still feel perfectly normal otherwise. Which is so frustrating! Everyone tells me how great I look and I am still doing all the things I love to do.

I will be meeting with a Radiologist and Surgeon in the next week or so to go over my (options). I can't even began to tell you what a complete buzz kill this is. I have been battling some MAJOR anxiety and depression. Nightmares and anxiety attacks on a pretty regular basis. Some days are more bearable than others. But let's be honest, this SUCKS big time! This whole process really tends to wear on you in alot of ways.

This wknd was to be the start of our annual family trip to the Island. One of the few places I am able to find peace and solace. I plan to be there as much as possible. Samantha has been looking forward to this for quite some time now. Speaking of Samantha, I cannot begin to tell you how many tears I have cried lately. It kills me to look at my sweet baby girl and think that I have to go through this again. Satan has been whispering horrible things in my ear on a constant basis. He would love for me to believe the absolute worst. And at times I almost have. But he does not get to choose the verdict here. I am so unbelievably stubborn and just plain refuse to give up. Human will is a funny and extraordinary thing. I may cry and I may scream. I may even refuse to get out of bed some mornings. But this will not get the best of me. One of our pastors spoke about something that really hit home with me last week. He said that sometimes the things that we view as setbacks, are really just setups. A setup for something amazing. God is still up to something in me. I just need a little more grace and patience to see it come to pass.

I will do my best to keep the blog updated. In the mean time, I ask that you all PLEASE pray for me! It has been very hard for me to open up about this right now, but I really need to be lifted up. Some days I don't even know what to pray for. That's where all of you amazing prayer warriors come in! I love you all and I am so grateful for everyone who is sticking with me through this!

Why Do We Borrow Trouble From Tomorrow?

Matthew 6:33-34
The Message

30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.



For the last few days or so these words keep popping into my head "And all these things shall be added unto you". I haven't been able to figure out why. Where is this coming from and what is it's significance?

This week has been less than stellar as far as my energy level goes. I keep wondering "when will I feel better and KEEP feeling better?" It can be so frustrating when you feel as though you could conquer the world one day, then the next be completely useless and drained. I just want to know when. Don't I deserve to feel better already for goodness sake?
HOLD UP!!!!
Let's be real for a second...if I got what I deserved, I would be in a heap of trouble. I think we all would. It seems lately like I am always fussing and complaining about how crappy I feel, that I forget to just be happy with what I have been given today no matter what it may look like. Another day in itself is a gift.

That's when the importance of this verse started resonating with me. I have been so preoccupied with when, what and how that I forgot to notice the gift of the now. So worried about what tomorrow will look like, and borrowing trouble from tomorrow when I need to be grateful and take notice of the things I have been blessed with today. God has been more than gracious to me in supplying my every need, and I have no reason not to trust that His provision will continue.

Our Creator is not a God of Chaos or confusion. But, of Peace and Love. I must keep my eye on Him and cling to this verse!

Who Are You When No One's Looking?

This past week as I was driving home from my parents one night, someone abruptly pulled out RIGHT in front of me. I tried to hit the brakes and give myself time to stop. I avoided hitting the car but just barely as there was also oncoming traffic. As I got much closer to the rear of this car than I would have liked, I could see the driver throw up a not so friendly gesture. I then noticed that right there on the back of their car was a sticker for the Church they attend. I thought to myself....Hmmmm yeah some Christian you are! Then I caught myself, oh not you don't. Seriously how many times have I acted the fool and been "not so Christian like" by the way I have acted or things I chose to say.

What we do in the privacy of our home, car or anywhere else, is always being observed. Lovingly, the way a parent watches their children make bad choices and cringes at every one. You want them to make the right choice, but you can't make those choices for them. In the same way, God is waiting to see how we react. Not wanting to see us fall and struggle.

Are we living out what we preach in public AND at home. I know for me it is a struggle. I think it is for all of us. After all we are only human. However, if we portray a near perfect existence to the outside world, yet go home and act like the devil we are just as guilty as if it had been televised on national TV. It makes no difference to Him. This a tough one because whether we are willing to admit it or not, we are all guilty. I am just as guilty as the next person.

I think this is why our walk with Him is so important. We have to stay in communication with Him. God desires ALL of us. If we read His word daily and stay in Communion with Him we have more of an awareness of His presence and, when the temptation to act out inappropriately arises we will think twice. This has been so tough for me lately. I was in a really bad place for about 3 weeks. A lot of it had to do with my stubbornness and resistance to just communicate with Him. To really get real and honest, not just pray half heartedly. Once I did the fog lifted, the bitterness and depression subsided, and life became SO much more bearable.

It is not required that we walk a perfect road all of the time. But, it is His desire to see us succeed and excel in life, to resist temptation and compromise. I have come to learn the hard way that the best way to accomplish these things is to stay close to Him. He never leaves. WE choose to turn our backs. We could avoid so much pain if we would just make time for the One who gave us the breath we breathe.

I Am A Process...This is me being real

They say "Patience Is A Virtue". Well, this something I am still struggling to obtain. I have ALWAYS been quite a hardheaded and inpatient one. And safe to say difficult to deal with at times:) Just ask my mother or my husband!

I feel as though the last 2 yrs have been a true test of what little patience I do have. Some days I have felt as though I could simply break. Just collapse at the thought of the unknown and the pressures that come with that dreadful word "Cancer". It is a heavy burden to carry.

The effects of Chemo and the other host of toxic drugs I endured are still lingering. I am plagued daily with issues. And I find myself wondering if I made a mistake. But I cannot play the game of what if. Too many unknowns. And frankly it doesn't matter. That is in the past. The best thing I can do is to focus on today and how I can better my life today. It is a daily struggle just to get myself going mentally and physically. And honestly on days like today, it just doesn't happen. I beat myself up and don't give myself enough grace. I want this to all be behind me. Like yesterday! But I know that finding my way back to health in all aspects is a process. I am growing and learning each day and I know that in His time all things will be made new, including my health.

I found myself a couple of weeks ago so distraught and lost after spending weeks trying to "handle" things on my own, that I literally ended up on my knees with my face flat on the floor. I was completely overwhelmed and needed rest in every sense of the word. I prayed harder than I have prayed in a while, sincerely prayed. And within minutes afterward I was overcome with Peace. Too many times I think I've got this. I talk a good game, but I'm really not depending on Him or giving him the parts of me he desires most. If I would start my day on my knees in prayer the rest of the day would turn out completely different. Sometimes life is just plain hard! He never said it would be easy. If it were, we would have no need for a Savior. Regardless of how hard or unfair I may think things are, I am thankful for the chance to breathe. It is not a right. It is a gift. And for that I am so grateful.

To Further His Purpose: We can all be witnesses

Just who does this Tebow guy think he is?

We can take this all the way back to his earlier days playing for the University of Florida. This young mans walk and actions have always brought about much discussion. He seems to have really brought forth an awareness of God and his presence that I believe the people of this day have yet to see. People love to devour the guy. They want to shut him up and shut him down. But do you think he is phased? No. And here's why, it's not about Tebow. It's not even about Football. Its about God. The media has it wrong. Its not Tebow time, its God time! You can't shut God down.

We are called to be Salt and Light in the World. Our Creator is looking and patiently waiting for a people that will take a stand and live out His purpose in this dirty, mucky, sin filled world. Willing to do whatever it takes to further His Kingdom and bring Glory and Honor to Him.

Matthew 5:14-16 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

Sometimes when we choose to live out loud for GOD, people tend to look at us like we have lost it. You must be crazy because that is not the way the world does things. Well for me, I couldn't care less what the world does. His ways are not of the world. So naturally when we go a different way, the path less traveled, they take notice. I don't live to please this world. I live to please God. When we go Gods way and live out loud for him, there's a good chance we will come up against opposition. Just as this young man has. Notice though, he has remained ever so humble in the face of all the judgments, criticism and just plain hate thrown his way.



John 15:18 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."





When people come up against you for choosing to stand up for Christ, they aren't really coming up against you, they are opposing Him. Because if we live for Him and follow the steps He has laid out for us, then He is in us. And if they hate us, then they hate that which is in us, Him. God is LOVE. He is for LOVE. Not hate. I pray that more and more people would have the courage to take a stand for Christ. It doesn't matter if you play Pro Ball, if you're a Ceo, teacher, or an average joe. People are watching. Someone is watching. He wants to use you wherever you are, what ever your platform may be. If it furthers His kingdom, then count me in!

Revelation & Obedience: The Conditioning of My Heart

In the last 27 days, I have grown more spiritually, felt physically better, and had more mental clarity than I ever thought was possible. I am not the same person. Where there was once fear doubt and condemnation, there is now hope, eagerness and a zest for life and the future!

Yet with all that said, some will still think I'm crazy. Well I'm not here to debate that. I won't argue that I'm a little nuts at times. But in all seriousness what I am about to share with you is MY journey, MY walk, and MY testimony. My intent is not to convince, but to convey the revelations of my heart. I do not need affirmation, acceptance, or approval from anyone but the one who truly matters. That of which I already have.

Let me backtrack a little.
My heart has always been to please and glorify God throughout this season of my life. But at times fear had such tight grip on me that I lost sight of that and fell into the trap of doubt. I knew what my heart was telling me , but because of the enemies tight grip on me at the most vulnerable time in my life, I made decisions that demonstrated just the opposite.

I do not believe there is a magic pill that will cure disease. Each and every time they would hook me up to that IV line, something inside of me was screaming no. But because of what the enemy told me, I felt it was my only shot. I believed that God could heal me and that he wanted me well and whole. But I was never able to place ALL of my trust in his abilities. Until now.

Over a year ago my closest friend mentioned to me the name of a place not too far from here that she thought might be of some help to me. I checked it out but never really followed through with it. About the same time another very influential friend from a different circle mentioned something along the same lines to me. Still I didn't pay much attention. Then right before we were about to head out to TX, the Pastors at our Church once again prayed over me. Our senior Pastor just happened to mention the same exact names and place to me, but he had personal experience with this place I heard about so many times. I thought wow, this is not happenstance. Yet, still I did not heed the advice.

Instead we headed off to TX only to find upon arrival that I was to receive, against my wishes and gut feelings, Chemo, among 3 other drugs as well. I nearly came home and said forget it. But, I agreed and ultimately ended up enduring the absolute worst 7 months of my existence. After my last scans, it appeared that I was stable, but not the improvement that we had hoped for. That meant more drugs were in the plan and would be for the rest of my existence. Some way to live. My oncologist wanted me to continue on with yet another round of more Chemo and another set of drugs. It was at that moment when I walked out of that office that I said enough. We got in the car and I just started saying, NO! This is not good enough, there is a better way. And so I began really searching my heart.

It was at this point that the name of the individuals and place God had so gently been putting in front of me came to the forefront of my mind. I knew I wanted to attend a week or two at this place, and I always planned to make it a part of my healing plan. I just never thought it to BE where my healing actually would begin.

The amazing place I speak of, is a "Hallelujah Acres Lifestyle Center" right here in my own backyard in Plant City. The town where I went to High School, where so many memories and friendships were formed and there are only 4 locations nationwide. Imagine that.

So I told Brian, I'm doing it. I'm calling them. And so, I made the phone call. About 30 minutes later I walked in the room and told him it was done. I booked us a week and we were going in less than 2 weeks! He was relieved, I could tell. He knew I needed this. But never pushed the issue. So Sam went to stay with my parents and we headed a whole 30 minutes up the road to Plant City.

I knew that part of this week would include me facing fears that I had been struggling with for over 20 yrs, but I was ready. Ready to be free of chains that held me back from becoming the amazing one He intended me to be. To see myself the way He saw me. It was time to get out of the way and let God work. If I had the space and you had the time, I would write a book about just how much this week changed me. Just how much was revealed to me. And someday that may just become a reality. But for now I will try to keep it short.

The biggest thing I took away from my time with God and Dave and Sherry was that it is impossible to live in fear and faith at the same time. I learned what true obedience looks like. I caught a glimpse of the person God fully intended me to be, and I liked what I saw. I was finally able to let go of fear, which is sin, that has held me captive for two thirds of my life. I asked God to reveal himself to me and He did.

We chose to follow the Hallelujah Diet. I like to call it a Lifestyle not a diet. This is not a fad. And if you think its all about the food. You're wrong. This is about obedience. It is not for everyone. I spend hours in my kitchen preparing every day. But let me make this clear. I have never been able to serve my family this way. And it feels amazing. Not only am I serving them , I am ensuring that they stay healthy. This is my medicine. I have done away with all drugs. And for me, its all or nothing. Like I said earlier, it impossible to live in fear and faith at the same time. So what is the point in making all these changes, yet continuing the drugs? Its like saying, well God I know this is your way, the right way, but just to cover all my bases, I'm going to take the drugs too. Not that you aren't capable, but I NEED to do this to satisfy my fears. No. I spent too much time doing that last 7 months.

The best part, I have NEVER felt this amazing, healthy, and clear in all my life! I sleep, I can think and this cancer is on its way out. It will not take up residence in my body any longer. The next scans will speak for themselves.

And I said I wasn't writing a book;)

Cancer Is Costly

As most of you are aware, I am receiving treatment and care from TX. I take an oral medication 4 times daily in addition to the other injection and infusions I receive. I speak with my Primary Dr. in Houston at least once or twice a week. And they are constantly keeping watch over my progress. This however does not come cheap. They have been absolutely amazing in working with us as far as payment goes. As of now, they foresee me being on this medication which I fully believe in, for the next 5 or 6 months. I am also paying OUT OF POCKET for the injection I receive for the bone mets. So here is the breakdown.


.Monthly costs for medication and managed care from Houston: $4,500



.Monthly Injection: $1,900 (some of which we hope to be refunded within the next 6 months)

A total of $6,400

This is staggering, I know! Which is why my family and friends have so graciously given their time to coordinate numerous benefits and fundraisers! Our latest being an Auction Nov 5th!



I have been troubled lately by all of the "Pink" products lining the shelves EVERYWHERE. I realize people are meaning to genuinely be working toward a "Cure" when they purchase these products. However, the sad truth is that a LARGE portion of the proceeds don't go towards research or supporting Cancer in any form in "most" cases. This is disturbing and unforunate to think that our hard earned dollars are not being used for the purpose we believe they are. So my plea is this, before you give of your time or money do your research. Make sure that you are giving to and supporting a worthy cause.




This brings me to my next point. Support someone you know directly if you can. There are many individuals out there testing the waters and searching for their own "Cure", when others have "given up" on them. Why not support someone locally?


Here is the information about the Auction coming up! I would greatly appreciate your support in forwarding this information and coming out if you can!

Glass Case of Emotion

I like to make plans. I like having a good idea of how things will play out, it gives me a sense of calm and control. And when things fall apart or don't go as planned, I get a little "stressed out".

Perfect example, last Wed. I went in to get the results of my latest PET scan. The previous scans 3 months prior, looked fantastic! With significant improvement. So naturally I expected these scans to be none the less fantastic. Well that assumption would be wrong.

The Dr. used the word "stable". No worsening, but not much improvement to note. He postponed my treatments for that day and sent me home to "think about things". Now granted, my Dr.'s in TX still have not seen the scans at this time. So we have no idea what the radiologists there has to say. But I did not like the way I felt leaving that place. There was this nagging feeling of defeat almost. Like someone threw a big ole wrench in my plans. But at the same time an even bigger feeling and little voice saying "nope this isn't good enough, you will not accept this". I feel like I have been living in a "Glass Case of Emotion". Ron Burgundy, you ain't got nothin' on me;) At this point we are still waiting to hear what TX says and then decide where to go from here.

After having a mini pity party for a few days, I came to the conclusion that as long as I have breath, I am going to make each day count. The future can be scary. And fear of the unknown can be equally as scary. But this old hymn I used to sing as a kid at Church comes to mind.

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.


Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.



So with my faith restored and somewhat renewed strength thanks to no more chemo, I set out to enjoy my wknd! It turned out to be a fabulous wknd! We took our girl to the Pumpkin Festival and had a really great time! It does my heart good to see her smile and have a good time!

Pursuit, Presence & Progress

As most of you know I was scheduled to receive my last Chemo infusion the week of Sept 11th. Something I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of for months. The week leading up to that I had been having severe pain in my hip and ride side. Concerned that it may be my appendix, an apt. was made for the following morning to rule out any serious issues and treatment was postponed. I barely made it through the night into the next morning at 7 for my apt. at St. Joes. When I arrived the tech took one look at me and said "honey the test I am about to conduct will not show me your appendix"...seeing how uncomfortable I was she sent me to the ER. I was wheeled to the ER where they immediately gave me a mask and took us to a secluded room in the back. The Dr was fantastic and prompt. It was the best ER experience I have ever had. And its sad to say, I have had way too many to count.

In the back and forth during the testing I lost my mask. Once in my room Brian asked the nurse outside who was stocking the rooms, if she could find me another mask . After explaining that I was receiving Chemo she quickly found me another one. When she brought it into me, she had the sweetest and most genuine look on her face. We talked for a little bit and she took my hands and began to tell me that this evil did not belong in my body and had no right to consume me any longer. She could tell I was tired and weary from the toll this was taking on me. She assured me the Lord will never leave me and that I need to cling to Him and not be afraid. Asked me if we attended Church anywhere and then hugged me like there was no tomorrow. Crying and praying for what seemed like minutes. She then gave me some very specific verses to read and told me to say those very words back to Him. Holding my hand tightly she says to me "I love you" and walks out of the room. Chills.

Now for some this may seem whacked out and just plain weird. But to me it was as plain as day what was happening. God was in that place. There was no disputing it. I was at an all time low that day and those words and actions could not have come at a more poignant time. After she left I looked at Brian with tears in my eyes astonished at what had just happened.


After all scans turn up good, I was sent home with antibiotics to cover an abdominal infection just in case. I was only able to take three days of it. Just too much for my system given the toxic overload it was already under. Over the weekend the pain subsided in my side and by the time my apt. on the 21st rolled around I was virtually pain free! The Dr. was astounded given the pain I had been in the previous week. I also learned that day the CT and MRI showed even more shrinkage of the lesion on my hip! So much so that the Radiologist was skeptical to even tie the word cancer to it. If he had not known of the previous Bone Met in that location, he would have called it benign! My Dr.'s and I were thrilled with this news!!!! In other words its basically gone and looks completely harmless!

All of my numbers and labs continue to be really great! I received Avastin that day and returned Fri for my LAST Chemo! I am scheduled to have more scans Oct. 14th. I fully expect them to be fantastic!!!! I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life!

Disney Wine & Dine Half Marathon

God keeps blessing me in big ways!! And here is yet another example!

A very good friend of my sister and her fiance has just recently signed up to run the Disney Wine & Dine Half Marathon on Saturday, October 1! And she has chosen to do so in honor of me! Anyone who would like to pledge towards her run may do so here on my blog in the Donate portion or by contacting Kristin directly at jonesskristin@gmail.com

She describes it best here! Check it out and thanks so much in advance!

It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it (Kristin Jones)

I am pushing myself to a new challenge. It is time for me to take a leap in my journey as a Health & Wellness Coach. I just can't wait to check this off my bucket list! I am super thrilled to be running the Disney Wine & Dine Half Marathon on Saturday, October 1.

Click Here To Learn More

As I was out on the trail jogging/training, it came to me that I am running for a much bigger purpose than myself. I have been so positively impacted by Kelli Keen Kremkau's amazing spirit that I realized I run stronger and with more determination when I think of her incredible story of overcoming. I now have the distinct privilege to run in honor of her. This beautiful young woman has Triple Negative Breast Cancer and is valiantly fighting it with more strength than I have known anyone to possess.

Please sponsor me in my run by donating to Kelli's treatment. Maybe donate $1/mile of my half marathon ... $13. No donation is too small. Thank you for taking the time to read Kelli's blog and donate on the left hand side of her page.

I trust that your life will be forever changed for the better after reading her amazing story of brevity. She's one tough warrior chick!



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Experiencing God....Are You Listening?

This blog post comes with much delay.

The last several weeks have been Up and Down. Mostly down. But in the midst of all of it, He never left me. Some days though it felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. And it felt as though I was completely alone in my struggle.

Chemo leaves me feeling like a shell of a human being. About the time I began to feel somewhat human, its time for another infusion. But we did get some great news! I had a PET scan done and learned that there has been significant improvement. Which is fantastic news. For some reason though, I was hesitant to rejoice in this news. Knowing how the Cancer game can go. I look great on paper. My blood work continues to look great. With the exception of one week, when it was barley below normal. But what paper doesn't show is how I feel. The scariest part is the Neurological side effects. Praying that they are only temporary. Now with that being said we were hoping that my Dr's would say its time to cut it out. But they have recommended that I continue 3 more treatments until we can get me completely in remission. I have been very resistant to this and struggled with this constantly. BUT I have come to the conclusion that this is the path that was layed for me and the path that I chose to follow. God has protected my body this far and I HAVE to believe that he will continue to do so. It is not easy to allow poison to drip into my veins knowing the effect it will have on me. However if I can see an end in sight and trust that My God will carry me through to healing, then I must carry on. I am due for my next infusion this Thursday. PLEASE pray that God will continue to place a hedge of protection around me and keep me healthy during and after these treatments.

Now for a cool God story!

Brian and I dropped Sam off for VBS and headed to the Beach to watch the Sunset Sunday night. We had been talking about my situation and hearing from God. He decided last minute to stop for gas. After we got out I noticed a beautiful dog in the back of a pick-up. He looked like a clone of our sweet boy Bruce that we just lost a few weeks ago due to Cancer. Just a beautiful creature. It took my breath away for a moment. After coming back out of the store the driver off the pick-up (a man in his late 60's early 70's ) stopped me and asked very sweetly if I had Cancer, I was wearing a scarf. I told him yes. We talked about his handsome dog and our beloved Bruce.

He then asked me what type of Cancer I had. After I told him he informed me that HE too has been battling Breast Cancer! I have heard of this but never met a man in this situation. He was the kindest most gentle man of God. We talked for a while about how the Dr's only gave him a yr and a half. That was over 6 yrs ago! We talked about the bad days and how God always carries us through. He told me to trust in God always and he will take of me. And only God knows the time for each of us. He then asked me what he could for me. If there was anything at all. And he meant it. I asked him to please pray for me. That I was struggling and had some big decisions to make. He said he would and I vowed to pray for him as well. After our conversation I stuck my hand out shake his, instead he hugged me like he had known me all my life. It was a very special moment and I will treasure it forever. I know that God was there in that moment. I believe he used that sweet man to speak to me that day. As we drove away I had chills and came close to tears. God is good and His people are good!

This just goes to show that He is EVERYWHERE! He is in everything and if we are willing to hear from Him, He does speak. We just have to be available and have open ears and an open heart to hear!

Good Intentions Aren't Good Enough

How many times have we all heard the cliche "It's The Thought That Counts"? I have heard it more times than I care to recall.

Now don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful thing to have a compassionate heart and well intentions. The problem lies in the following through. Myself included, how many times have we vowed to pray for someone, had truly honest intentions but just never followed through with it. Or made a "commitment" in passing that we would love to do this or that, but just couldn't find the time to make it happen? I realize life gets busy and we all have our responsibilities. But we must get over ourselves for 5 minutes and think of others. Take the time to invest in others lives. If we only ever concern ourselves with our own problems, duties, circumstances and circle of friends then we miss out on the opportunity to make a difference in someone else's life, in turn impacting our own.

We MUST get out of our own little bubble and pay attention to what is going on around us. People need other people. Take the time to invest in someone outside of your circle. Let someone know that you care about them. Random acts of kindness are just that, to random. Don't be afraid to start a conversation with a complete stranger. What is the worst that can happen? Get out of your comfort zone. Be the light!

I have been mulling over this topic for a some time now. And wouldn't you know Pastor B "brought it" this past weekend at The Crossing! Throughout the entire message all I could hear were the lines of this song repeating, one of my favorites!

Hosana

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek!!!



Matthew 5:13-16
13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Smooth Sailing

The days leading up to this mornings Infusion have been nerve wracking to say the least. I did my best to stay positive, but my nerves got the best of me.

I'm so elated though to report that everything went really well! I spoke with the Dr. before hand, and she went over everything with me explaining in detail the way things would be done. She also informed me that I am due for a PET scan to monitor my progress. So next Friday I head in to have that done! Prayers for much improvement!!!

I am so thankful that today went so smoothly and we had no problems. I am feeling 90% better than I did last time right after! I even felt well enough to enjoy a baked potato and frosty during my treatment;) I realize I will have a few rough days ahead of me. However, nothing like the nearly 2 weeks of needless suffering I endured last time! It is amazing how smoothly things can go and should go, when people simply read and follow the protocol!

Thanks to all for the continued support and endless prayers! You all rock!

My Strength is Not My Own

The events of the last two weeks have taken me to some of the darkest places I have ever been. I found myself struggling to find the surface many times. But they have also brought some of the greatest blessings I have ever experienced!

It began the day of my last Chemo Infusion. Although nervous and anxious,I walked into the treatment room ready to get this done and over with. Long story short, they completely got my pre-meds wrong. They overdosed me and overloaded my system. I had a horrible, horrific and terrifying reaction. With every nurse in the place by my side and my Dr. kneeling in front of me, they shut off all meds. I lost my sight temporarily and had a host of other immediate effects. A while later I was able to complete the infusion and return home.Only to spend the next 7 days in bed or on the couch. I had side effect after side effect, which led me to dehydration and left me in desperate need of fluids! It was honestly the darkest place I have ever been. Satan was after me.

I finally was able to get out and enjoy some time by the ocean with my family! It was so wonderful and I slowly began to feel human again. It has literally taken me 2 weeks to recover. I am still not feeling like myself. But I am getting there:)Even in the darkest moments when the pain was too much to bear and fear and depression were knocking at the door, I could feel His presence covering me and shielding me. He was and is my strength!


I had amazing support during this time and people really stepped up to help out! So many blessings have come our way in the last two weeks! I am just totally blown away by God's love and provision in my life! He never fails to provide for us. We are forever grateful to everyone who has made our life easier and taken some of the burdens off of us!



I am scheduled this coming Thursday to recieve my next Chemo Infusion. Please join me in praying for a smooth and drama free appointment:)


The Task Ahead of You, Is Never as Great as the Power Behind You.

Good Grief Is Now Available!

The much anticipated release of "Good Grief" is here! It is now available for immediate download! This book came at the perfect time for me, my family and loved ones! I encourage everyone to purchase this VERY helpful guide! If you are watching a loved suffer through Cancer, the loss of a child or any other type of grief, this book will give tangible ways to offer support! And also things NOT to do or say:) How to get your best intentions across. And don't forget, for the first 4 months %50 of all proceeds will go directly to my treatment fund!

Buy Good Grief Here!

Only God Possible

I want to share something truly amazing with all of you! I'll try to keep it short;)

As most of you know, I was connected to Erica Mcneal through Gina. They met on the Recreate Cruise and Erica was made aware of my situation. So upon returning home we became acquainted through email. I learned Erica and Todd will be moving to this area in about 4 months and possibly attending our Church! Pretty crazy! They are interested in a neighborhood less than 5 minutes from us!

We finally made phone connections and learned that they would be coming down to house hunt and learn more about the area. We had the pleasure of having dinner with them Saturday night and meeting up at Church Sunday. It was soooo nice to finally meet face to face! It felt as though I had known Erica for years! You know how you can just have that connection with people? I can honestly say that Todd and Erica are two of the most incredible, selfless people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting!

After meeting us, God place some pretty huge, and only God possible goals on Erica's heart! She describes it best! So please check out the latest post from her on her blog. Its simply amazing and moves me to see what God is doing in all of our lives! To learn more about the goals God has placed on Erica's heart and her passions go to My TWO Passions – Too Much?