I come here tonight because I am desperate. I am fearful and in need of prayers from those who love me, and those who may not know me yet. I have sensed what was coming for a few weeks now, but the reality of the likely hood of what I am facing slapped me right across the face today. I didn't take it to well and things may or may not have been broken and many tears cried.
I have spent more time at my Onc. office in the last month than I care to recall. It all started with some swollen lymph nodes in my neck. As of right now my entire lymphatic system is refusing to work. Malfunctioning at best. I am terribly uncomfortable and in pain and have been for weeks.
I was scheduled to have a PET done over 3 weeks ago. That was until my insurance denied the request. I had planned a trip to Nashville the week of the 4th. And got the all clear to go from my Dr. This was by far the best week of spiritual restoration & rejuvenation I have ever experienced. I met so many wonderful souls. Too much to condense here. That amazing trip will require a special separate post to come soon:) Upon returning home my symptoms only seemed to progress. I have been to the office twice since the 11th. More blood work was done today and I have a "tentative" appointment next Thursday for the PET.
My Dr. is convinced that this is Cancer invading my lymph nodes. He feels treatment (meaning more chemo) is inevitable and in the VERY near future. But would like to have a scan to see exactly what we are dealing with. And to use as a way to gauge how well treatment works. Now before I go any further, there is a small part of me that says this is not Cancer. I am prepared to go forward with treatment if this beast has indeed decided to rear its nasty head again. But I am holding on to the hope that we are dealing with something less invasive. We have a week before any scans are to be done.
I spent the entire ride home fuming. Angry with God. Just overall pissed off with life's circumstances. If there's one thing I took away from my time in Nashville, is that it's ok to be angry and question God. Communication is key. I have a lot of questions. I have been here too many times to recall. This time I am really angry. It is however a process I have learned. In a few days I will hopefully redirect this anger and bitterness towards gathering strength I may need very soon. I am not superhuman and this is me being as real and as transparent as I possibly can.
I would like to ask everyone to please take this next week and pray with me and for me when I cannot find the words. A lot can happen in 7 days. I have hope that these lymph nodes won't illuminate on that scan. If they do, like I said, I am prepared to face the horrible, debilitating, dehumanizing poison that is Chemo. But there is still time pray this thing out. I know what I will be doing this next week. Please join me in praying with me. I know so many have continuously prayed daily for me. I am so grateful for every single prayer said on my behalf! I love you all and thank you for allowing me the freedom to be completely candid and honest here! I will update as soon as I hear any news!