Friday, January 27, 2012

Who Are You When No One's Looking?

This past week as I was driving home from my parents one night, someone abruptly pulled out RIGHT in front of me. I tried to hit the brakes and give myself time to stop. I avoided hitting the car but just barely as there was also oncoming traffic. As I got much closer to the rear of this car than I would have liked, I could see the driver throw up a not so friendly gesture. I then noticed that right there on the back of their car was a sticker for the Church they attend. I thought to myself....Hmmmm yeah some Christian you are! Then I caught myself, oh not you don't. Seriously how many times have I acted the fool and been "not so Christian like" by the way I have acted or things I chose to say.

What we do in the privacy of our home, car or anywhere else, is always being observed. Lovingly, the way a parent watches their children make bad choices and cringes at every one. You want them to make the right choice, but you can't make those choices for them. In the same way, God is waiting to see how we react. Not wanting to see us fall and struggle.

Are we living out what we preach in public AND at home. I know for me it is a struggle. I think it is for all of us. After all we are only human. However, if we portray a near perfect existence to the outside world, yet go home and act like the devil we are just as guilty as if it had been televised on national TV. It makes no difference to Him. This a tough one because whether we are willing to admit it or not, we are all guilty. I am just as guilty as the next person.

I think this is why our walk with Him is so important. We have to stay in communication with Him. God desires ALL of us. If we read His word daily and stay in Communion with Him we have more of an awareness of His presence and, when the temptation to act out inappropriately arises we will think twice. This has been so tough for me lately. I was in a really bad place for about 3 weeks. A lot of it had to do with my stubbornness and resistance to just communicate with Him. To really get real and honest, not just pray half heartedly. Once I did the fog lifted, the bitterness and depression subsided, and life became SO much more bearable.

It is not required that we walk a perfect road all of the time. But, it is His desire to see us succeed and excel in life, to resist temptation and compromise. I have come to learn the hard way that the best way to accomplish these things is to stay close to Him. He never leaves. WE choose to turn our backs. We could avoid so much pain if we would just make time for the One who gave us the breath we breathe.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I Am A Process...This is me being real

They say "Patience Is A Virtue". Well, this something I am still struggling to obtain. I have ALWAYS been quite a hardheaded and inpatient one. And safe to say difficult to deal with at times:) Just ask my mother or my husband!

I feel as though the last 2 yrs have been a true test of what little patience I do have. Some days I have felt as though I could simply break. Just collapse at the thought of the unknown and the pressures that come with that dreadful word "Cancer". It is a heavy burden to carry.

The effects of Chemo and the other host of toxic drugs I endured are still lingering. I am plagued daily with issues. And I find myself wondering if I made a mistake. But I cannot play the game of what if. Too many unknowns. And frankly it doesn't matter. That is in the past. The best thing I can do is to focus on today and how I can better my life today. It is a daily struggle just to get myself going mentally and physically. And honestly on days like today, it just doesn't happen. I beat myself up and don't give myself enough grace. I want this to all be behind me. Like yesterday! But I know that finding my way back to health in all aspects is a process. I am growing and learning each day and I know that in His time all things will be made new, including my health.

I found myself a couple of weeks ago so distraught and lost after spending weeks trying to "handle" things on my own, that I literally ended up on my knees with my face flat on the floor. I was completely overwhelmed and needed rest in every sense of the word. I prayed harder than I have prayed in a while, sincerely prayed. And within minutes afterward I was overcome with Peace. Too many times I think I've got this. I talk a good game, but I'm really not depending on Him or giving him the parts of me he desires most. If I would start my day on my knees in prayer the rest of the day would turn out completely different. Sometimes life is just plain hard! He never said it would be easy. If it were, we would have no need for a Savior. Regardless of how hard or unfair I may think things are, I am thankful for the chance to breathe. It is not a right. It is a gift. And for that I am so grateful.