Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Carried To The Table

I have been here before. This feeling is all too familiar. This roller coaster of emotions, I know it well. And frankly it is exhausting. You would be hard pressed to get me on any roller coaster at any theme park. I hate the uncertainty of the drops and turns, twists and that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, you know the one. Then theres that feeling of unsteadiness as you exit the ride, yeah I hate that too. So ironic how the events of my life resemble that thing that I am so good at avoiding.

One thing we know about Cancer, it sucks. This much has been established. I absolutely despise it.  It has surely taken me for one heck of a ride the last 3 yrs. It make take parts of me and is a huge inconvenience. But it will not steal my joy. I will not become a victim. Yes I have cried, screamed, asked why and begged for mercy. But the fact is, I am here. I am still breathing. And there must be a reason why. If God can take this mess and use it for His glory. Then who am I to complain? I can either shut down emotionally or I can pull myself together and suck it up. As terrified as I am about what lies ahead, I just have to remind myself to put one foot in front of the other and trust that on the days when I just can't make it happen, that He will carry me.

I met with my new Surgeon this past Thursday. Which in itself was a complete miracle and act of God. I was immediately put at ease by his ability to make me feel like one of his own grandchildren. He is about the most "Human" Dr. I have met yet. I am no doubt right where God wants me to be. I am scheduled for a double mastectomy tomorrow at 1.  The nerves, anxiety and unrest that accompany a procedure like this are overwhelming to say the least. I have been to some pretty low points recently. My heart is breaking and the road ahead is unclear. I am a little angry. I am a little bitter. I am ALOT scared. BUT still somehow that peace remains. He has carried me this far and He has promised me He will never let go.

I just want to say a HUGE thank you for all of the phone calls, txt messages, emails, and comments from friends and family! I do not walk this road alone. You all have no idea how much you lift me up. My heart overflows with love for you all!

I will do my very best to update when I am able. Thank you again! I want to share with you a song that has played over and over on my phone, computer and in my head the last few days. It is pretty special. Good night everyone.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

I Call Mercy

I have struggled with how to begin this post for many nights now.

Up until about 6 weeks ago, I was doing really well. I still feel pretty good for the most part.
I have spent more time than I would have liked in Dr. offices the last week and will be spending plenty more I'm sure in the next few weeks.

Without going into too much detail, it seems that this nasty little devourer has decided to invade my left breast now as well. It happened rather quickly. I have been in quite a bit of pain the last few weeks, which can be exhausting. I still feel perfectly normal otherwise. Which is so frustrating! Everyone tells me how great I look and I am still doing all the things I love to do.

I will be meeting with a Radiologist and Surgeon in the next week or so to go over my (options). I can't even began to tell you what a complete buzz kill this is. I have been battling some MAJOR anxiety and depression. Nightmares and anxiety attacks on a pretty regular basis. Some days are more bearable than others. But let's be honest, this SUCKS big time! This whole process really tends to wear on you in alot of ways.

This wknd was to be the start of our annual family trip to the Island. One of the few places I am able to find peace and solace. I plan to be there as much as possible. Samantha has been looking forward to this for quite some time now. Speaking of Samantha, I cannot begin to tell you how many tears I have cried lately. It kills me to look at my sweet baby girl and think that I have to go through this again. Satan has been whispering horrible things in my ear on a constant basis. He would love for me to believe the absolute worst. And at times I almost have. But he does not get to choose the verdict here. I am so unbelievably stubborn and just plain refuse to give up. Human will is a funny and extraordinary thing. I may cry and I may scream. I may even refuse to get out of bed some mornings. But this will not get the best of me. One of our pastors spoke about something that really hit home with me last week. He said that sometimes the things that we view as setbacks, are really just setups. A setup for something amazing. God is still up to something in me. I just need a little more grace and patience to see it come to pass.

I will do my best to keep the blog updated. In the mean time, I ask that you all PLEASE pray for me! It has been very hard for me to open up about this right now, but I really need to be lifted up. Some days I don't even know what to pray for. That's where all of you amazing prayer warriors come in! I love you all and I am so grateful for everyone who is sticking with me through this!