Sunday, January 15, 2012

I Am A Process...This is me being real

They say "Patience Is A Virtue". Well, this something I am still struggling to obtain. I have ALWAYS been quite a hardheaded and inpatient one. And safe to say difficult to deal with at times:) Just ask my mother or my husband!

I feel as though the last 2 yrs have been a true test of what little patience I do have. Some days I have felt as though I could simply break. Just collapse at the thought of the unknown and the pressures that come with that dreadful word "Cancer". It is a heavy burden to carry.

The effects of Chemo and the other host of toxic drugs I endured are still lingering. I am plagued daily with issues. And I find myself wondering if I made a mistake. But I cannot play the game of what if. Too many unknowns. And frankly it doesn't matter. That is in the past. The best thing I can do is to focus on today and how I can better my life today. It is a daily struggle just to get myself going mentally and physically. And honestly on days like today, it just doesn't happen. I beat myself up and don't give myself enough grace. I want this to all be behind me. Like yesterday! But I know that finding my way back to health in all aspects is a process. I am growing and learning each day and I know that in His time all things will be made new, including my health.

I found myself a couple of weeks ago so distraught and lost after spending weeks trying to "handle" things on my own, that I literally ended up on my knees with my face flat on the floor. I was completely overwhelmed and needed rest in every sense of the word. I prayed harder than I have prayed in a while, sincerely prayed. And within minutes afterward I was overcome with Peace. Too many times I think I've got this. I talk a good game, but I'm really not depending on Him or giving him the parts of me he desires most. If I would start my day on my knees in prayer the rest of the day would turn out completely different. Sometimes life is just plain hard! He never said it would be easy. If it were, we would have no need for a Savior. Regardless of how hard or unfair I may think things are, I am thankful for the chance to breathe. It is not a right. It is a gift. And for that I am so grateful.

3 comments:

  1. Well, said and I always know when you are in that place, even when you don't actually tell me. And it breaks my heart to see you there, and I want to just bring you out, but only God can do that. When you are in that place, believe or not I am there with you every time. But, I always know that being who you are and the strong Christian woman that you are, that you will always come back stronger than before with God's help. Many times we have to get down as low as we can go before we can get back up again. You know that better than I. Consider doing the bible study on David with us. There is a lot of good stuff in it that you could toatlly relate to right now. Love you more than life itself, but not as much as God does! There is comfort in that. PS? Yes, you were and still are hardhead and headstrong, but that is probalby one of the characteristics that are helping you now in so many ways. :-)Love, MOM

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  2. Thank you Kelli for being so real! I can relate to so much of this, just with different circumstances. I can't imagine what you're going through.... but when we are weak, then HE is strong. So much peace in knowing we don't have to know what the future holds, but we know who holds our future. You are loved! My prayers are for His strength to sustain you, His grace to cover you and His peace to fill you. That you might find sweet rest.
    ~ Deanna *Jeremiah 29:11

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  3. I know we have vastly different problems, but it seems like they all take the same course - causing us to struggle till we break and fully seek God just long enough to make us think we've got it and get over confident, forgetting what it means to completely rely on God. Then the problem creeps back in and breaks us again. Its a never ending cycle in life, I think. Look at it this way. At least you are able to come full circle and fall back on God rather than moving farther and farther away. He knows your heart and you are doing great.

    Abby

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