Do I have To?

God, I just really don't want to do this. I realize I have to. But Having done this before, I know what to expect. This only makes it that much more difficult to swallow. Why are we here again? I feel like a small child about to face the world on her own. I keep telling myself there must be a better way. But this is it.

Had a little pampering done today. It did lift my spirits. Still, that cloud is hanging right above my head. Finding joy in small things is not a problem. Losing it at the smallest inconveniences is what is getting to me lately.

I foresee being placed in a straight jacket tomorrow. SO much anxiety. Sitting for hours as they drip poison into your veins is something indescribable. How will I do this? How will I keep my cool and not go awol? Those poor nurses. I am terrified. MY nearly 5 yr old is more likely stable and capable to handle what is coming than I. I feel like a helpless child.

If I can make it through several of these treatments the time it will buy me will be worth it. But its the process that I am not sure I can make it through. And why should we be here again? I am not able on my own. I'm not ready to become dependant on those around me to assume the role of mom and all the other things that I should be responsible for. SO many things in life are just not "fair". There is always someone who who has it worse, but it certainly does not diminish the severity of our struggles. Part of me says, put your big girl britches on and do this thing. While the other part says, no! Run, run as far as you can!

I have not lost my faith. But I feel so disconnected from my beliefs. As if I'm a child being rep remanded. Resisting authority. Knowing I need that correction and discipline in love, still not ready to give in. Praise music still plays constantly and I read scripture. I guess maybe its because you are so close at this point and that's why I cant feel you. I cant hear you, nor see you. "Maybe faith isn't a fire as much as it's a glow. Just enough to get me home".

A Plea for Prayer

I come here tonight because I am desperate. I am fearful and in need of prayers from those who love me, and those who may not know me yet. I have sensed what was coming for a few weeks now, but the reality of the likely hood of what I am facing slapped me right across the face today. I didn't take it to well and things may or may not have been broken and many tears cried.

I have spent more time at my Onc. office in the last month than I care to recall. It all started with some swollen lymph nodes in my neck. As of right now my entire lymphatic system is refusing to work. Malfunctioning at best. I am terribly uncomfortable and in pain and have been for weeks.

 I was scheduled to have a PET done over 3 weeks ago. That was until my insurance denied the request. I had planned a trip to Nashville the week of the 4th. And got the all clear to go from my Dr. This was by far the best week of spiritual restoration & rejuvenation I have ever experienced. I met so many wonderful souls. Too much to condense here. That amazing trip will require a special separate post to come soon:) Upon returning home my symptoms only seemed to progress. I have been to the office twice since the 11th. More blood work was done today and I have a "tentative" appointment next Thursday for the PET.

My Dr. is convinced that this is Cancer invading my lymph nodes. He feels treatment (meaning more chemo) is inevitable and in the VERY near future. But would like to have a scan to see exactly what we are dealing with. And to use as a way to gauge how well treatment works. Now before I go any further, there is a small part of me that says this is not Cancer. I am prepared to go forward with treatment if this beast has indeed decided to rear its nasty head again. But I am holding on to the hope that we are dealing with something less invasive. We have a week before any scans are to be done.

I spent the entire ride home fuming. Angry with God. Just overall pissed off with life's circumstances. If there's one thing I took away from my time in Nashville, is that it's ok to be angry and question God. Communication is key. I have a lot of questions. I have been here too many times to recall. This time I am really angry. It is however a process I have learned. In a few days I will hopefully redirect this anger and bitterness towards gathering strength I may need very soon. I am not superhuman and this is me being as real and as transparent as I possibly can.

I would like to ask everyone to please take this next week and pray with me and for me when I cannot find the words. A lot can happen in 7 days. I have hope that these lymph nodes won't illuminate on that scan. If they do, like I said, I am prepared to face the horrible, debilitating, dehumanizing poison that is Chemo. But there is still time pray this thing out. I know what I will be doing this next week. Please join me in praying with me. I know so many have continuously prayed daily for me. I am so grateful for every single prayer said on my behalf! I love you all and thank you for allowing me the freedom to be completely candid and honest here! I will update as soon as I hear any news!