Do I have To?

God, I just really don't want to do this. I realize I have to. But Having done this before, I know what to expect. This only makes it that much more difficult to swallow. Why are we here again? I feel like a small child about to face the world on her own. I keep telling myself there must be a better way. But this is it.

Had a little pampering done today. It did lift my spirits. Still, that cloud is hanging right above my head. Finding joy in small things is not a problem. Losing it at the smallest inconveniences is what is getting to me lately.

I foresee being placed in a straight jacket tomorrow. SO much anxiety. Sitting for hours as they drip poison into your veins is something indescribable. How will I do this? How will I keep my cool and not go awol? Those poor nurses. I am terrified. MY nearly 5 yr old is more likely stable and capable to handle what is coming than I. I feel like a helpless child.

If I can make it through several of these treatments the time it will buy me will be worth it. But its the process that I am not sure I can make it through. And why should we be here again? I am not able on my own. I'm not ready to become dependant on those around me to assume the role of mom and all the other things that I should be responsible for. SO many things in life are just not "fair". There is always someone who who has it worse, but it certainly does not diminish the severity of our struggles. Part of me says, put your big girl britches on and do this thing. While the other part says, no! Run, run as far as you can!

I have not lost my faith. But I feel so disconnected from my beliefs. As if I'm a child being rep remanded. Resisting authority. Knowing I need that correction and discipline in love, still not ready to give in. Praise music still plays constantly and I read scripture. I guess maybe its because you are so close at this point and that's why I cant feel you. I cant hear you, nor see you. "Maybe faith isn't a fire as much as it's a glow. Just enough to get me home".