Carried To The Table

I have been here before. This feeling is all too familiar. This roller coaster of emotions, I know it well. And frankly it is exhausting. You would be hard pressed to get me on any roller coaster at any theme park. I hate the uncertainty of the drops and turns, twists and that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, you know the one. Then theres that feeling of unsteadiness as you exit the ride, yeah I hate that too. So ironic how the events of my life resemble that thing that I am so good at avoiding.

One thing we know about Cancer, it sucks. This much has been established. I absolutely despise it.  It has surely taken me for one heck of a ride the last 3 yrs. It make take parts of me and is a huge inconvenience. But it will not steal my joy. I will not become a victim. Yes I have cried, screamed, asked why and begged for mercy. But the fact is, I am here. I am still breathing. And there must be a reason why. If God can take this mess and use it for His glory. Then who am I to complain? I can either shut down emotionally or I can pull myself together and suck it up. As terrified as I am about what lies ahead, I just have to remind myself to put one foot in front of the other and trust that on the days when I just can't make it happen, that He will carry me.

I met with my new Surgeon this past Thursday. Which in itself was a complete miracle and act of God. I was immediately put at ease by his ability to make me feel like one of his own grandchildren. He is about the most "Human" Dr. I have met yet. I am no doubt right where God wants me to be. I am scheduled for a double mastectomy tomorrow at 1.  The nerves, anxiety and unrest that accompany a procedure like this are overwhelming to say the least. I have been to some pretty low points recently. My heart is breaking and the road ahead is unclear. I am a little angry. I am a little bitter. I am ALOT scared. BUT still somehow that peace remains. He has carried me this far and He has promised me He will never let go.

I just want to say a HUGE thank you for all of the phone calls, txt messages, emails, and comments from friends and family! I do not walk this road alone. You all have no idea how much you lift me up. My heart overflows with love for you all!


I will do my very best to update when I am able. Thank you again! I want to share with you a song that has played over and over on my phone, computer and in my head the last few days. It is pretty special. Good night everyone.